Dream & Doubt

I don’t question my dream. I don’t question the amount of work I put into achieving my dream. I don’t question why I dream. And I certainly don’t question if my dream is worth it.

However, I do question my skill – my talent – and if I really have what it takes to do it. Am I made for this industry? Are my works of any value? Am I making a difference? Do I disappoint my readers? Can I actually produce something that people love? Is there a hint of potential in me? Why am I… not good enough?

I would start a round of editing and go, “Hey, this writing isn’t so bad,” only to think, “This sucks,” moments later. I would crack my fingers, ready for a fruitful day of rewriting, only to sigh at sunset having not achieved my goal. Out of all the days spent at the keyboard, 90% end with disappointment. And don’t get me started on rereads of older works. Boy, if I had soil beneath my feet, I’d bury my head in a jiffy.

So let’s be honest – I’ve never once been assured of my writing.

I’ve never been confident with what I put on the table. I cannot say my works are worth reading, because there’s always something wrong – something I cannot fix. I can give my all. I can drain my emotions. But I cannot be 100% sure I’ve done a good job. And if you’re finding this relatable, then I’ve achieved the goal of this post.

You’re not alone.

It’s nice to know that, huh? Still, it doesn’t change the fact that we still doubt. And as comforting as the words of Bukowski, it’s something we cannot escape.

The problem is that bad writers tend to have the self-confidence, while the good ones tend to have self-doubt. – Charles Bukowski

Despite the assurance that, “Hey! I’m a good writer because I doubt!” we still chuckle and smirk in disbelief. Maybe the saying is true. But whom am I kidding? I don’t believe Bukowski. I’ve not read any of his works. Even if the internet proves he’s a good writer, we don’t know if this quote is true. There’s no substantial evidence to it. So, where does that leave us? Back at square one.

At least, we’re not alone.

I know it’s impossible to be confident in my works. I’ll always be afraid of disappointing my readers. I’ll hold my breath at the sight of a new review. I’ll not know where I stand in this ocean of writers. And I’ll never stop wondering. You probably feel the same way too. However, in the unknown, I will keep writing.

My dream is far too valuable to be shaken by uncertainties. So I’ll live with them – both doubt and dream – the unlikeliest of friends. In spite of their differences, they drive each other. And the result of their friction fuels my passion. At the end of the day, that’s all I need. That’s all you need. The only important emotion, in the midst of our insecurities, is passion. Because passion… is the spell that turns dreams into reality.

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FHB: Chapter 32

“Get out of here,” Lucius whispered harshly.

Tanya simply stared at him blankly and when she made no move, he threw her his wand. Instinctively, she caught it and snapped out of her frozen state.

“Go!” Lucius urged, “now!”

Doing as she was told her, she ran. As she did, a spell shot from behind Lucius towards her. Not knowing what to do, Lucius watched as Tanya dodged, made a quick turn, and shouted, “Incarcerous!”

If Tanya had her wand, the spell would have hit the death eater square in the chest and burst into tentacle like ropes that would wrap around her assailant. Unfortunately, Lucius’ wand was more loyal than he was and the spell backfired. There was a bright spark that escaped the tip of his wand before a series of ropes slithered up her arm and bound tightly around her. Within seconds, she was on the ground, immobile.

The death eater laughed when he saw what had happened, and used his wand to drag Tanya closer to him. When she was at his feet, he snatched Lucius’ wand from her hand and threw it at him.

“Did you just hand it to her?” he asked.

Lucius was not sure if he was being sarcastic or serious, and decided not to answer him. Lucius did not want to make things worse for himself and silence was the only option.

“Come along. We’re going home,” he said.

The death eater took the lead with Tanya dragging on the ground behind him, and Lucius quietly followed. They did not need to walk for long as the other death eaters had gathered nearby with the other captives, all bound up with terrified eyes.

Lucius did not know what to do at that moment. He knew which side he was playing for, but he felt slightly sorry for the ones on the losing end. When he realized what he was feeling, it scared him. So he quickly thought about his father and reminded himself why he was there.

“Think of home Malfoy, and take one of them with you,” the death eater said.

“Home?” Lucius asked.

“Yes, home. The big, black house you grew up in. Or do you need your mummy to come get you?”

The other death eaters chuckled and Lucius snapped, “I know where home is. Show some respect to the host.”

He did not wait for a reply and reached for the body closest to him. It was not Tanya, and he was glad it wasn’t. In a quick swirling motion, he felt himself being pulled away from the forest as his bedroom materialized. Seconds after his arrival, he knew he was at the wrong location. Quickly reacting before the stranger could see where they were, Lucius apparated the two of them into the dungeon underneath his home.

“Got lost?” the death eater asked when Lucius appeared coughing, as his stomach had not gotten used to that mode of transportation yet.

Lucius rolled his eyes in response and turned his attention to a few death eaters who were lining up the captives  against a wall.

“The Dark Lord will be here soon,” another death eater announced.

“Good. Have you killed someone before, Malfoy?” the same obnoxious death eater asked.

Silence was Lucius’ best friend that day, as he chose not to entertain the death eater.

“Scared, Malfoy? You have to kill to be in. Today is a great day to do it, since we have spares,” he added.

Not wanting to deal with him any longer, Lucius decided to turn away. And when he did, he found the Dark Lord standing behind them.

“My lord,” Lucius quickly greeted, and the rest followed suit.

“What do we have here?” the Dark Lord asked.

“Ministry workers. We found them sneaking in the forest,” a female death eater replied.

“They look so young,” the Dark Lord stated as he gently placed a hand on Lucius’ shoulder. “And how was the meeting?”

“It went well, my lord. They have agreed to work with us,” she answered.

“That’s good,” the Dark Lord said, moving to stand directly behind Lucius as he placed both hands on Lucius’ shoulders.

The Dark Lord said nothing as he began ushering Lucius down the line of young aurors in training. There were ten of them in total with two looking slightly older than the rest. When they had reached the end of the line, the Dark Lord asked, “Which one do you want?”

Lucius swallowed hard as his heart continued to race madly. What was already an uncomfortable situation became unbearably uncomfortable.

“How about that one?” the death eater Lucius grew to hate suggested. “The girl that disarmed our little friend.”

“Is that true?” the Dark Lord asked in a curious tone. He then pulled out his wand and sent a spell that disintegrated the rope around Tanya’s mouth.

Lucius hesitated to answer and Tanya did not say a word either. The Dark Lord was determined to find out, so he ushered Lucius towards her and waved for the rest to take position. It was as though an execution by firing spells was about to take place.

“Answer me, girl. Did you disarm my favourite death eater?” the Dark Lord asked.

Tanya could not have made things worse for Lucius at that moment, as she began to plead; not for her life but for Lucius’ change of ways.

“Please Lucius. Don’t do this, don’t be one of them. You’re not a killer, you’re not evil.”

At the sound of her words, Lucius’ heart stopped. He had the urge to ask her to shut up, but he was too terrified to say anything.

“Is she your friend, Lucius?” the Dark Lord asked, with more curiosity than he had before.

Lucius knew he had to answer him, because if he didn’t, something would go terribly wrong.

To Be Continued…

(Leave a comment or vote on whether Lucius should acknowledge Tanya or deny their relationship!)