Fan Fiction (Collab)

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Bacon

Harry had finally settled down in Hogwarts. He was sorted into Gryffindor and he had finally accepted the fact that the only true friends he was going to have was Miss-Know-It-All and Mr-Scaredy-Cat. And though it may not seem like much, but he settled for the improvement of not having friends at all.

He also soon accepted the fact that he was not dreaming. Magic was real and so was possessed bacon. And as days became weeks, Harry was rather grateful that he didn’t have to see the Dursleys anymore, even though this reality was freakishly bizarre.

It was the day that Harry finally thought he was truly done with bacon when an owl came flying into his room with a letter. He tore it open immediately and read.

“Dear Mr. Potter, I know you have many questions on your mind, and i believe someone has the answers to them. He is the Prisoner of Bacon, a close friend of your fathers who will be a great help to you in the future. Find him, and you’ll find your true destiny.”

The letter was not signed by anyone, and Harry could only hope he wasn’t falling for  some prank. Just as he was about to fold the letter, the ink began rearranging itself as it drew out a magical map. Harry stared in astonishment as he couldn’t believe what he had just saw. But what he saw next made his eyes widened as footsteps were walking on the map, and the words hovering above them were “Prisoner of Bacon”.

Harry swallowed hard. He was about to find out the answers to everything, how his parents died (hopefully not choked on bacon), why he has a bacon looking scar (which kinda looks like a lighting at a different angle), and why was his life revolving around bacon all the time. Harry needed to find this person, and he needed to find him now.

That night, he snuck out of bed with the mysterious map. Following the shortcuts and secret passageways on the map, he discovered many hidden places in Hogwarts. His heart was pounding so hard in his chest; he thought it was going to rip through his body.

Looking at the map, it said the Prisoner of Bacon was right in front of him. His eyes slowly looked up to the wall in front of him. The map was wrong, there was no one in front of him, only a brick wall. He turned back to find another brick wall behind him, when he looked the other way again, the wall had disappeared and there stood a man with no shirt, pants that were tattered and bacon for shoes.

“Hello Harry, I knew you would find me,” said the man. Harry backed up into the wall behind him. “It’s okay Harry, I won’t bite,” said the man who started laughing maniacally.

Harry was speechless. “Who are you?” he asked.

“I’m the Prisoner of Bacon,” said the man looking down on his feet “as you can see.”

Back in his room, the Prisoner of Bacon introduced himself as Sirius. They spent the whole night talking and Harry understood that this man was a very close friend of his father’s. He grew somewhat attached to Sirius.

Light was beginning to pour in through the window. “I must go now,” said Sirius “it’s not safe for me to be here. We will talk soon. You know how to find me,” he said, looking at the map Harry was clenching in his fist.

Harry saw him disappear into the fireplace and slept off on his bed. He woke up to Ron yelling at him saying he was going to be late. Harry woke up in a daze, did all that really happen or did he dream all that up?

He couldn’t find the map and Ron knew nothing about this map Harry was talking about so Harry just assumed it was all a dream and went on to his potions class with Ron.

(This was a collaboration with Jessica D, a freelance graphic designer, photographer, and the high school friend i played Diagon Alley with when i was 13.)

Fan Fiction (Collab)

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Bacon

Harry awoke in a dazed state. Without his glasses, he couldn’t see much at all. While he fumbled for his glasses, he could hear voices. Hagrid’s was one of them. Putting his glasses on, he could see that he was in some sort of a sick bay, surrounded by the old man with the pointy hat and long beard, Hagrid, and some other people he had never met before.

He tried to speak but his voice came out in such a hoarse, raspy whisper even he couldn’t understand what he had just said. Seeing that he was struggling, Hagrid spoke up, “Don’t worry Harry, you’ll have your voice back soon enough. All that bacon down your throat, we pulled all that out from your belly,” said Hagrid, pointing at a large vat by the corner overflowing with bacon.

Harry found out the old man’s name was Dumbledore and was the headmaster of Hogwarts, a Wizarding school. Harry also found out that his parents were killed by magic. Also, Harry was trying to tell himself to enjoy this peculiar dream of his before he woke up at the Dursley’s.

“Cheer up,” a voice said “you’ll be fine in no time.” Looking up Harry saw a boy, around the same age as him, with red hair on his head and a silly grin on his face. “I’m Ron,” said the boy. “Ronald Weasley, pleased to meet you!”

Suddenly, a shabby looking man entered the room and went straight to Dumbledore and the both of them seem to be discussing something rather serious. The man looked panic stricken. It left Harry wondering what else could have happened.

 A girl walked in just then and stood next to Ron. She looked straight at Ron “There’s been murder!” she said, “A trail of bacon leading into a dead end was found too!”

“No way!” said Ron.

“It’s true,” she then turned to Harry, “Oh how rude, I’m Hermione. You must be Harry Potter, I heard all about how you ha-”

“Stop battering the poor thing, Hermione,” Ron cut in.

“What is going on?” Harry managed to croaked, “What happened to me?”

“Oh, well, they said you found the Philosopher’s Bacon. He’s happy you found it, the Philosopher i mean. But the spell that was placed on the Bacon backfired on you. Sent a whole lot of bacon down your throat,” Ron explained.

Ridiculous. This dream was getting ridiculous! Harry thought to himself. Bacon, magic and all that. Now a murderer?

“I know it sounds like madness Harry, but we’ll help you,” Hermione said.

“And… you two are my friends now?” Harry asked skeptically.

“Professor Dumbledore made us befriend you actually. He said you might need help.” The both of them nodded.

It is confirmed. Harry is officially nuts. Honestly, he started assuming his parents were killed by magical bacon too. That seem to fit how bacon-rific his life was right now. Why couldn’t he be chased by nose-less bad guys instead of having to chase bacon?

“Harry, are you o.k?” Hermione asked as Harry made a face close to Uncle Vernon’s Hunchback of Notredame impersonation.

“Yea. Anyways, you said about a trail of bacon leading to a dead end?”

“Yes.” Hermione nodded.

“I bet there’s a secret door somewhere,” Ron added and Hermione narrowed her eyes at him.

“I think so too. Cause when i found the Philosopher’s bacon, i saw a message about a chamber being open,” Harry said as he recalled the incident.

Harry slowly got out of bed, “Let’s find out who’s killing these people.”

“NO! You must rest!” Hermione immediately replied.

“Honestly, you look like a nice young lady, but i dont really know you and you cant really tell me what to do,” Harry gave a quick reply in a low voice as his throat still hurt.

He didn’t wait for them to follow as he started walking out of the hospital wing into a place he knew nothing about. And as though it was his destiny, Harry smelled bacon. Yes, the salty mouth watering smell. One could only ignore it briefly as it drew him towards a direction and Harry followed.

The smell led him to a dead end, the same dead end the bacon led to.

“How do you know where this place was?” Hermione asked in astonishment.

“Shut up! Can’t you see he’s concentrating?” Ron snapped at her.

“Bacon…” Harry said softly, and what he saw blew his mind. The wall started shifting, creating a small door. Harry quickly entered, still followed by the pestering girl and the boy who kept saying he spotted a spider.

Harry hurried down a long dark corridor until he came into an open space. There was a big statue of a man that stood in the center, and when harry took a step forward, he heard a gushing sound. It didnt sound like water, but it sounded more like a flood of bacon.

Oh, and as stupid as this sounds, it was. Believe it or not, bacon came flooding into the chamber. And the trio ran, they ran as fast as they could, but bacon finally caught up with them. And the force was so strong that it sent them flying out of the chamber’s hidden door and back into the corridor.

When Harry finally had gotten his bearings, he saw Hermione, lying on the ground, looking rather petrified. Who knew she was allergic to bacon as her body grew stiff.

“Oh no! She’s going to die!” Ron exclaimed.

“I don’t think so. I think she just has an allergy.”

“But the killings and the murders? It can’t be bacon can it?” Ron was rather confuse.

“No, i think it was just allergies. Does she have a tendency to exaggerate?” Harry asked.

“Sometimes always,” Ron answered. “But what about the chamber?”

“Let’s just leave it as it is. I guess someone just loves bacon,” Harry answered as he shook his head.

Boy oh boy, as much as Harry hated to admit this, the Dursley’s seem like a better place now.

(This was a collaboration with Jessica D, a freelance graphic designer, photographer, and the high school friend i played Diagon Alley with when i was 13.)

Fan Fiction (Collab)

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Bacon

Harry had just turned 11. He wished he had a birthday cake, or maybe even a small present, but nothing as magical as that could ever happen to him. It was rather pathetic. No, actually, it was really pathetic.

Harry decided to sneak out of the horrible Dursley’s house that morning, in hopes that the sun would make him feel any better. But when he saw that the sky was dark, and that rain was falling, Harry sighed. Can the day get any worst?

Just then, Mr. Dursley came walking down the stairs with his rounded belly peeking out from under his tight old singlet. At sight, Harry quickly hid his face of disgust.

“Where do you think you are going boy?” he asked, raising an eyebrow as he frowned. Harry always wondered how he could do that, and often tried while he brushed his teeth, but he could never look as facially distorted as his uncle.

“No where sir,” Harry quickly answered as he tried to look at the man’s face.

“Good. Now make me some bacon!” his uncle, Venom ( or so Harry called him), ordered, still holding on to his Hunchback of Notredam look.

“Yes sir.” Harry quickly hurried to the kitchen. But as he was about to open the refrigerator, his aunt, whose name sounded more like a horrid vegetable than a flower, annouced, “We’re out of bacon.”

Harry held his breath immdiately. He knew that when something as important as bacon was out, Harry had to get more.

“Go fetch Bacon boy!”

“But sir, it’s raining. In fact, its pouring cats and dogs.” Harry pointed out the window as the rain splattered on it loudly.

“Do i look like i care?” His uncle glared at him.

“No sir, i’ll go get some bacon.” Harry gave a quick nod and headed out the front door. He didnt even bother to take an umbrella as he walked into the pouring rain.

The gloomy sky spared him no sympathy as it kept going, drenching Harry completely by the time he walked into a small convenient store. The security guard by the counter stared at him as he left puddles of water where ever he went, but the deeply upset eleven year old could not care less.

Making his way down an aisle, he saw a weird looking man. He wore a turban and a long black cloak. He eyed Harry as he reached for a can of cat food. And Harry held his gaze until he turned towards the frozen section.

Eyeing for bacon he had not noticed the same weird man, until he hovered over Harry.

“Looking for bacon?” he asked in a soft voice.

Harry quickly backed away from the man, as he watched him sniff the can of cat food.

“Er, yes,” Harry politely answered.

“I can show you where it is,” the man offered, “But, i need a favor from you in return.”

Harry started to wonder how would this strange character know that he was looking for bacon and why showing him where it was required a favor in return, but as these thoughts made their way through Harry’s befuddled mind, his mouth seemed to have spoken words without him realizing. “Of course,” said Harry, “what is this favor you require of me?”

“Take my hand!” said the man hurriedly, grabbing Harry’s hand with his own grubby ones before Harry could react.

Everything after that became a blurry dream sequence for Harry, it felt like his body had disintegrated into it’s different parts and were experiencing their own feelings. It felt like an eternity to Harry, but very quickly he felt his stomach getting sick as all the different parts of his body came slamming back to form him.

They were now in a dark alley, somewhere in London, Harry could tell from memory.

“Sorry,” said the man, who suddenly appeared twice as large as Harry remembered. “There were people watching us; it would have been to risky!”

Harry, trying very hard not to throw up, tried to steady himself and focus his vision to see if his eyes were playing with him. Rubbing his eyes, he looked up to the man, who seemed more of a giant than a man at that point, he shakily said “Wha..what is go..going on..?”

The man was at least 10 feet tall, and that’s pretty much impossible. Harry thought he might be dreaming for a second; that they never really ran out of bacon and he’s still asleep in the broom closet.

“Well, I hate to break it to you this way,” boomed the giant man “But you’re not really what you think you are. It’s dangerous for you to continue to stay here any longer.”

“Who are you?” said Harry feeling a little puzzled by what was just told to him “How did you know I was looking for bacon?”

“Oh well, you had bacon written on your hand,” he said. Harry looked at his hand and true enough the word “BACON” was written on the palm of his hand in bright red ink.

Confused, Harry asked the big man “I don’t even remember writing that there! How could it have gotten there? And in RED INK too! Aunt Tuna, err Petunia hates red ink! What’s happening? You tell me right now!”

After bursting out in such a manner, Harry realized that the oaf of a man he was shouting at could crush him in his hands, so he backed up a little.

“Calm down, Harry,” Harry’s eyes widened at the fact that the man knew his name. They weren’t even properly introduced. “All will reveal itself in time.”

“I’m Hagrid the half giant, in case you were wondering,” he said “And YOU, my friend, is Harry Potter, the chosen one. That’s why you have bacon written on your hands!” Hagrid chuckled heartily as if he just told a joke, then immediately his face changed and in a serious tone he said, “’Tis dangerous times we live in, my friend. The Philosopher’s Bacon has gone missing, and you are our only hope. Yerr a wizard, Harry!”

Harry was dumbfounded. He thought he’d been kidnapped by a crazy lunatic and was going to get murdered. Then out of nowhere, a light appeared and a silhouette of a man walking towards them. He was tall and skinny, and he had a tall pointy hat and a long pointy beard.

“Hagrid, take him to the room of the chambers at once! We must end this madness,” he said in a surprisingly calm tone. Looking at Harry, “My boy, everything you have ever known about the world and yourself will change tremendously. All will reveal itself in time.” And with that, he disappeared just as he appeared.

Hagrid then grabbed Harry’s hand and they appeared next in what seemed to be a hallway in some sort of an underground building. It reminded Harry of the time he had to help Uncle Vernon carry his luggage to King’s Cross, except there were no train tracks, or crowds.

Harry looked back hoping to see Hagrid; hoping he will explain what was going on but Hagrid was disappearing into the walls. As he was somehow going through the wall, he said “Harry, you must find the Philosopher’s Bacon. You can do it Harry. It is where you will least expect it. Hurry, save the wizarding world Har-,” and with that he was completely swallowed up by the wall, leaving terrified Harry with a lot of rooms.

“The Philosopher’s Bacon? Whatever does that mean?” he thought to himself. Then it hit him, literally; packages of bacon started falling all over the place. It was raining bacon.

He started to panic and run around the place but everywhere he went, the bacon would not stop. He got a hold of one and it read, NOT THE PHILOSOPHER’S BACON; and the next one too, same thing. He was beginning to lose hope when he saw something glisten in the corner of his eye.

He quickly turned to see what it was, and it was a package of bacon, looking just like the rest but Harry could see that inside the plastic wrap was the juiciest piece of bacon he had ever seen, with the layer of fat glistening in the candlelight.

He ran towards it but it seemed to be floating away from his grasp, and all the other packages seemed to be attracted to him by some form of magical force and kept hitting him in the face. Harry ducked and jumped over bacon packages that were flying around him at full force.

He was so close; his fingertips were touching the shiny packaging of bacon. With all his might, he threw himself forward and lunged at the bacon. Successfully catching it, all the other packages seemed to form a line and move into one of the doors on the right of the hallway.

Harry looked at the package he was holding, it read, THE PHILOSOPHER’S BACON. Harry looked at the package carefully, behind it there were the words, THE CHAMBER OF BACON WILL BE OPENED.

(This was a collaboration with Jessica D, a freelance graphic designer, photographer, and the high school friend i played Diagon Alley with when i was 13.)

Fan Fiction (Collab)

Harry Potter and BACON!

I know it sounds rather stupid, but how this idea came about was from a hash tag in twitter, #replacemovienameswithbacon. I’m not sure if any of you have seen it, but i did and i immediately tweeted ALL the Harry Potter(s) with Bacon.

So, together with a friend, Jessica D., we have decided to bring to you a comedic relief in hopes that it would be funny enough to get you to at least chuckle.

God knows, maybe Bacon is worse than Voldermort after all!

Below is the list of the upcoming posts you should be looking forward to:

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Bacon

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Bacon

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Bacon

– Harry Potter and the Bacon of Fire (Not written because bacon was too overwhelming.)

– Harry Potter and the Order of the Bacon (Not written because bacon.)

– Harry Potter and the Bacon Prince (Not written.)

– Harry Potter and the Deathly Bacon (Not.)

This series will be out during the weekends, so make sure to check back on Saturdays and Sundays!

Note: These posts will be password protected, and the password hints will be slowly added to this post. All the best!