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How Much More?

11 Jul

How Much More?

Sometimes, I wonder how much more of this I can take. How much more physical pain and mental abuse? How much more tears? How much more fears and uncertainties? How much… more?

When my wife was pregnant, I thought I was going to be the best father to my perfect child. I will bear with his late night cries and smelly diapers,  I would teach him to kick a ball and to swim when he got old enough,  and I would share experiences of girls, college, and marriage as he grows up. I had all of these planned out and I was looking forward to it. But then something happened… and everything changed.

The day my son came into the world was the same day my wife left the world. The feeling of shock, horror and grief are still so fresh within me. The first time I held my boy in my arms, I asked myself if I really wanted him. He was not as innocent as everyone claimed him to be. After all, his mother died bringing him into the world. It took me a while before I saw my wife’s death as a sacrifice that should not end up for nothing. And when I accepted him as my son, I did all I could as a father.

I would wake up in the middle of the night to dry his tears, and then return to an empty bed with no one to dry mine. I would feed him and put him to sleep, and then eat my dinner alone with an empty chair in front of me. I still grief for my wife now, but back then, it was worse. I didn’t know how I was going to raise this child on my own, and yet I knew I had no other choice. There were nights where I would dream of giving him up, but the memory of my excitement when I fixed his crib and painted his room walls made me change my mind.

After months of struggling as a single parent, I soon began to learn the ropes of parenting. I began to truly feel for this boy, and the love I could not give my wife, I gave him. He became the most important person to me, and the thought of losing him terrified me. I was also finally able to feel a pinch of happiness again, but it did not last long.

When my boy was one year old, something out of my nightmares happened. My boy fell ill, seriously ill, that he needed to be admitted to a hospital with tubes attached to his body. At the sight of him in such a state, there was a wrenching pain in my chest; one that sent my mind spiraling down an endless tunnel of thoughts. When the doctor tried to explain my boy’s condition, his words were inaudible but his face said enough.

The day I brought my boy home was the day I became a father to a different child. This child was not going to kick a ball or swim, he was not going to school or college, and no one would want to marry him. Even his smile was not the same.

As I stood over his crib where he looked up at me gleefully, I realized life was not going to get easier. I had to feed him, cloth him, and bathe him for the rest of his life… literally. But strangely, I slowly grew numb to that confliction in my heart.

I found myself wanting to do everything for him. Yes, he would not be able to kick a ball as he would be stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of his life, but I would still teach him to kick and swim. I would teach him all I know, and try to get him into schools. I will show him what love is, love that he will never need to receive from anyone else.

If he wants to be an athlete, I’ll train him. If he wants to be a speaker, I’ll speak for him. If he wants to see the world, I’ll show him.

No, life was not getting easier. My boy will never be a normal child, and the perfection I hoped for is scarred. But I was not going to deprive the happiness he deserves. Yes, I admit questioning my actions and wondering if I could take one more day as such.

“How much more?” I constantly asked myself.

But, “So much more,” would always be my reply.

I don’t know if my boy will ever understand me or my intentions. I don’t know if he would love me in return, or if he appreciates my hard work. All I know is my feelings towards him are real, and there are no limitations to it.

As I watched him sleep, still young and fragile, I whispered, “Tommy, daddy loves you. And daddy would do anything for you.”

Till the day I draw my last breath, everything I do would be for him; the boy I truly, truly love.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

True love is not mere words or fairy tale endings. True love is sacrifice, suffering and hardship. True love has no limitations or conditions. It’s more than sweet moments and laughter, its the bitter experiences and tears too. True love is a strong emotion, so strong its like a hurricane sweeping you off your feet and a tidal wave crashing down on you.

And true love… should move you to tears just by thinking about it.

Today, the word ‘love’ has been so diluted that it’s used too casually. The reason why we are never able to fully grasps and understand the real idea of love is because we have never truly experienced it. I hope that one day, everyone would be able to experience true love for themselves; true love that dives into the soul, and breathes new life into it.

Well, I hope you enjoyed my short story. Please leave a comment and let me know what you think!

© 2013 Jeyna Grace

(For more short stories, click HERE)

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38 Comments

Posted by on July 11, 2013 in Original Works

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

38 responses to “How Much More?

  1. Jada

    July 11, 2013 at 3:42 pm

    This was truly a beautiful yet saddening piece of work. You really are a talented writer!

     
  2. landyrover

    July 11, 2013 at 6:31 pm

    Amazing, a hint of real life experience at all? very talented writer.

     
    • Jeyna Grace

      July 11, 2013 at 6:58 pm

      Thank you! Oh, no. But I’m sure many have similar experiences.

       
      • landyrover

        July 11, 2013 at 7:03 pm

        Wow then your very talented for writing that with no experience. Did rest bite care for 2 weeks once that was an eye opener as to what it’s like everyday for families with disabled kids.

         
        • Jeyna Grace

          July 11, 2013 at 7:04 pm

          Thank you so much 🙂 Yea, I can only imagine the love those parents have.

           
  3. landyrover

    July 11, 2013 at 6:32 pm

    Reblogged this on diary of a country bumpkin and commented:
    wow

     
  4. abbles

    July 11, 2013 at 7:43 pm

    Beautiful.

     
  5. On life and stuff

    July 12, 2013 at 12:38 am

    Why??? Now I’m all teary. It is a beautiful story, although I’d have liked to know what happened to the boy; I mean, what illness he got. You see, as a Ravenclaw I like details… Congratulations!

     
    • Jeyna Grace

      July 12, 2013 at 9:02 am

      Haha, thank you! Hmm, I myself am not too sure of the illness.
      Ah, of course a Ravenclaw does 🙂

       
  6. storytimewithbuffy

    July 12, 2013 at 2:44 am

    Very nice. At first I thought that this was an actual blog post and not a short story. It’s great that you could make me think that. Very well written. 🙂

     
  7. elfinolive

    July 13, 2013 at 1:14 am

    Very moving. Not because I have recently suffered a big loss and and am still in grief, but because you made me empathize with you even without it actually happening in reality. Very well, indeed. 🙂

     
    • Jeyna Grace

      July 13, 2013 at 9:59 am

      Condolences for you lost. And thank you!

       
  8. dmcherubim

    July 13, 2013 at 7:48 am

    Powerfully written. You had me into the story so much that your bottom paragraph confused me for a moment and I had to read the replies here to find out that it was a story, not your real lifel

     
    • Jeyna Grace

      July 13, 2013 at 10:01 am

      Thanks! Haha, yea, a few people thought it was real too. It was a ‘good’ confusion I guess 🙂

       
  9. izniarifahshuib

    July 13, 2013 at 7:17 pm

    i thought it was a real experience of you! haha.deep story! love it

     
    • Jeyna Grace

      July 13, 2013 at 7:39 pm

      Haha! Must be the 1st person p.o.v. Glad you love it 🙂

       
  10. dandyeats

    July 15, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    I’m sorry to hear about your loss, but I enjoyed reading your post about true love. Unfortunately, I’ve experienced a few losses this year that I still cannot understand. Love is what really got me through it.

    You’re a great writer by the way. Keep truly loving your son no matter what! Who knows, maybe love is the cure.

     
    • Jeyna Grace

      July 15, 2013 at 1:49 pm

      Hi 🙂 I know this sounds like a true story, but it actually isn’t. It’s a fictional short story I wrote to show true love from a different angle. I’m glad you like it though!

      And I’m sorry for your losses, indeed love is powerful enough to bring us through hard times.

       
      • dandyeats

        July 16, 2013 at 1:18 am

        Oh! Haha well you fooled me. :3

         
  11. amateurnigerian

    July 15, 2013 at 4:44 pm

    Wow I felt this was a truly captivating piece, well done to you! I love writing too 😀

     
  12. aliciabenton

    July 16, 2013 at 12:36 am

    Wow, this was really great! I’m so glad I found your page.

     
    • Jeyna Grace

      July 16, 2013 at 7:16 am

      Thank you! I’m glad you did too 🙂

       
  13. athirstycrow

    July 16, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    True love is sacrifice, suffering and hardship. True love has no limitations or conditions.- Loved these lines. Indeed true love is becoming a rarity. Nobody is willing to sacrifice or compromise. We crave for the “perfect” love, forgetting true love is in those little imperfections.

    The story was gripping and sparkled with hope and faith. Loved the flow of words that transported to protagonists’ deep feelings.

    Well done! 🙂

     
    • Jeyna Grace

      July 16, 2013 at 4:01 pm

      Thank you 🙂 I’m so glad you agree with me!

       
  14. anonymoussluttyintern

    July 16, 2013 at 6:38 pm

    At first I didn’t know it was a story and felt really terrible for you. Very realistic, it is. Also, sorry for not noticing your name, or I would have known it’s fiction.

     
    • Jeyna Grace

      July 16, 2013 at 6:43 pm

      Haha, no prob. I think a lot of people overlooked my name.

       
  15. savedbyjen

    July 17, 2013 at 11:14 am

    Very realistic writing Reminds me of many personal blogs that I’ve read lately. You are a talented writer.

     
  16. littleonionwrites

    July 18, 2013 at 5:29 am

    That’s so beautiful : )

     
  17. andthisismyJoy

    July 20, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    Loved this! I actually thought this was real and it moved my heart just reading it.

     
  18. smartstunningsearching

    July 22, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    Wow; that was amazing! I actually thought it was rule. Are you planning on extending this story?

     
    • Jeyna Grace

      July 22, 2013 at 2:17 pm

      Thank you! Hmm, I don’t think so. It seems to work best as a short story 🙂

       

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