Fan Fiction (Collab)

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Bacon

Harry had just turned 11. He wished he had a birthday cake, or maybe even a small present, but nothing as magical as that could ever happen to him. It was rather pathetic. No, actually, it was really pathetic.

Harry decided to sneak out of the horrible Dursley’s house that morning, in hopes that the sun would make him feel any better. But when he saw that the sky was dark, and that rain was falling, Harry sighed. Can the day get any worst?

Just then, Mr. Dursley came walking down the stairs with his rounded belly peeking out from under his tight old singlet. At sight, Harry quickly hid his face of disgust.

“Where do you think you are going boy?” he asked, raising an eyebrow as he frowned. Harry always wondered how he could do that, and often tried while he brushed his teeth, but he could never look as facially distorted as his uncle.

“No where sir,” Harry quickly answered as he tried to look at the man’s face.

“Good. Now make me some bacon!” his uncle, Venom ( or so Harry called him), ordered, still holding on to his Hunchback of Notredam look.

“Yes sir.” Harry quickly hurried to the kitchen. But as he was about to open the refrigerator, his aunt, whose name sounded more like a horrid vegetable than a flower, annouced, “We’re out of bacon.”

Harry held his breath immdiately. He knew that when something as important as bacon was out, Harry had to get more.

“Go fetch Bacon boy!”

“But sir, it’s raining. In fact, its pouring cats and dogs.” Harry pointed out the window as the rain splattered on it loudly.

“Do i look like i care?” His uncle glared at him.

“No sir, i’ll go get some bacon.” Harry gave a quick nod and headed out the front door. He didnt even bother to take an umbrella as he walked into the pouring rain.

The gloomy sky spared him no sympathy as it kept going, drenching Harry completely by the time he walked into a small convenient store. The security guard by the counter stared at him as he left puddles of water where ever he went, but the deeply upset eleven year old could not care less.

Making his way down an aisle, he saw a weird looking man. He wore a turban and a long black cloak. He eyed Harry as he reached for a can of cat food. And Harry held his gaze until he turned towards the frozen section.

Eyeing for bacon he had not noticed the same weird man, until he hovered over Harry.

“Looking for bacon?” he asked in a soft voice.

Harry quickly backed away from the man, as he watched him sniff the can of cat food.

“Er, yes,” Harry politely answered.

“I can show you where it is,” the man offered, “But, i need a favor from you in return.”

Harry started to wonder how would this strange character know that he was looking for bacon and why showing him where it was required a favor in return, but as these thoughts made their way through Harry’s befuddled mind, his mouth seemed to have spoken words without him realizing. “Of course,” said Harry, “what is this favor you require of me?”

“Take my hand!” said the man hurriedly, grabbing Harry’s hand with his own grubby ones before Harry could react.

Everything after that became a blurry dream sequence for Harry, it felt like his body had disintegrated into it’s different parts and were experiencing their own feelings. It felt like an eternity to Harry, but very quickly he felt his stomach getting sick as all the different parts of his body came slamming back to form him.

They were now in a dark alley, somewhere in London, Harry could tell from memory.

“Sorry,” said the man, who suddenly appeared twice as large as Harry remembered. “There were people watching us; it would have been to risky!”

Harry, trying very hard not to throw up, tried to steady himself and focus his vision to see if his eyes were playing with him. Rubbing his eyes, he looked up to the man, who seemed more of a giant than a man at that point, he shakily said “Wha..what is go..going on..?”

The man was at least 10 feet tall, and that’s pretty much impossible. Harry thought he might be dreaming for a second; that they never really ran out of bacon and he’s still asleep in the broom closet.

“Well, I hate to break it to you this way,” boomed the giant man “But you’re not really what you think you are. It’s dangerous for you to continue to stay here any longer.”

“Who are you?” said Harry feeling a little puzzled by what was just told to him “How did you know I was looking for bacon?”

“Oh well, you had bacon written on your hand,” he said. Harry looked at his hand and true enough the word “BACON” was written on the palm of his hand in bright red ink.

Confused, Harry asked the big man “I don’t even remember writing that there! How could it have gotten there? And in RED INK too! Aunt Tuna, err Petunia hates red ink! What’s happening? You tell me right now!”

After bursting out in such a manner, Harry realized that the oaf of a man he was shouting at could crush him in his hands, so he backed up a little.

“Calm down, Harry,” Harry’s eyes widened at the fact that the man knew his name. They weren’t even properly introduced. “All will reveal itself in time.”

“I’m Hagrid the half giant, in case you were wondering,” he said “And YOU, my friend, is Harry Potter, the chosen one. That’s why you have bacon written on your hands!” Hagrid chuckled heartily as if he just told a joke, then immediately his face changed and in a serious tone he said, “’Tis dangerous times we live in, my friend. The Philosopher’s Bacon has gone missing, and you are our only hope. Yerr a wizard, Harry!”

Harry was dumbfounded. He thought he’d been kidnapped by a crazy lunatic and was going to get murdered. Then out of nowhere, a light appeared and a silhouette of a man walking towards them. He was tall and skinny, and he had a tall pointy hat and a long pointy beard.

“Hagrid, take him to the room of the chambers at once! We must end this madness,” he said in a surprisingly calm tone. Looking at Harry, “My boy, everything you have ever known about the world and yourself will change tremendously. All will reveal itself in time.” And with that, he disappeared just as he appeared.

Hagrid then grabbed Harry’s hand and they appeared next in what seemed to be a hallway in some sort of an underground building. It reminded Harry of the time he had to help Uncle Vernon carry his luggage to King’s Cross, except there were no train tracks, or crowds.

Harry looked back hoping to see Hagrid; hoping he will explain what was going on but Hagrid was disappearing into the walls. As he was somehow going through the wall, he said “Harry, you must find the Philosopher’s Bacon. You can do it Harry. It is where you will least expect it. Hurry, save the wizarding world Har-,” and with that he was completely swallowed up by the wall, leaving terrified Harry with a lot of rooms.

“The Philosopher’s Bacon? Whatever does that mean?” he thought to himself. Then it hit him, literally; packages of bacon started falling all over the place. It was raining bacon.

He started to panic and run around the place but everywhere he went, the bacon would not stop. He got a hold of one and it read, NOT THE PHILOSOPHER’S BACON; and the next one too, same thing. He was beginning to lose hope when he saw something glisten in the corner of his eye.

He quickly turned to see what it was, and it was a package of bacon, looking just like the rest but Harry could see that inside the plastic wrap was the juiciest piece of bacon he had ever seen, with the layer of fat glistening in the candlelight.

He ran towards it but it seemed to be floating away from his grasp, and all the other packages seemed to be attracted to him by some form of magical force and kept hitting him in the face. Harry ducked and jumped over bacon packages that were flying around him at full force.

He was so close; his fingertips were touching the shiny packaging of bacon. With all his might, he threw himself forward and lunged at the bacon. Successfully catching it, all the other packages seemed to form a line and move into one of the doors on the right of the hallway.

Harry looked at the package he was holding, it read, THE PHILOSOPHER’S BACON. Harry looked at the package carefully, behind it there were the words, THE CHAMBER OF BACON WILL BE OPENED.

(This was a collaboration with Jessica D, a freelance graphic designer, photographer, and the high school friend i played Diagon Alley with when i was 13.)


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